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R2 says

29 May

A few more weird things my middle child has said over the past month…

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I want a weasel plant

What’s that?

A plant that you say something creepy and it comes alive

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Mom, the babysitter is here. Sigh…    I have sixty four kids.

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I think it was Professor Dinky who invented turnip seeds.

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Josepher Bumble is an evil guy. He puts cougars in jail. He will steal your brain and then steal your heart.

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I wish I could go to China.

Why?

I really want to see a meerkat 

Oh, well I think meerkats live in South Africa or around there…

The meerkats in China barf rainbows. That’s what I want to see.

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This popsicle has failed me

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The meerkat falls from the sky. That’s the last rain drop.

R1 and R2 say

11 Oct

I’ve been distracted by my side project lately, but don’t worry, Eating Dirt isn’t going anywhere any time soon.

Please enjoy the weirdness of my children!

R1 says:

I’m here to remind you that everything is disgusting.  
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It’s always a weird question when mommy’s giving the answer.

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Is it just me, or is one of my eyelashes longer than the others?

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R2 says: 

I can’t sleep knowing there are dance-offs nearby!

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If you need me, I’ll be over here farting. Farting in the midnight hour.

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Mom, want to know who all my fans are? All my imaginary friends!!

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My daughter, Caramel, is a leprechaun.

R2 says

19 Aug

Some of the funny and weird things RJ has said: summer 2016

You know what’s looks like Rebel’s head?  
What?
The other side of his head!

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A housefly is just a green and black annoying dot.  With wings.

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One day can we catch ants and throw them in the lake?   No wait…let’s catch them, look at them, and put them back in nature.

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Every day is April Fool’s day in Tokyo!

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My favourite bands are called Truck Poop and Diamond Fart. They live on Paddington St.

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I need a jeep with unlikely hubcaps!

Funny things that happen when your marriage craps out

13 Jul

Let’s take a break from the more serious tone of the last few posts and delve into something a little more lighthearted!

I’ve been noticing some funny happenings over the past month since separating from my husband.

1. As I’ve mentioned, people are deleting me from various social media outlets and unfollowing the blog.  I guess they’re picking sides even though there’s no reason to. That’s funny in a weird way, not so much with the ha ha.

2. Someone told me I’m just looking for attention by posting all this stuff about my breakup.  Of course I’m looking for attention!  That should be pretty obvious.  I made no secret of the fact that I wanted words of encouragement and inspiration.  I also asked people to say nice things about me.  And you know what?  All that “attention” was incredibly helpful and appreciated.  Nobody should be afraid to ask for help.

3. Two people have contacted me to let me know that they can’t be friends with me anymore because I didn’t take my marriage vows seriously enough and gave up.  And, as a divorced woman, I’m a threat because I will tempt their husbands.  Seriously!  SERIOUSLY?!?!!  This is so ridiculously ludicrous that I have no words.  That rarely happens.  I responded to them with two simple words that likely demonstrated my disgust.

4. More in the ha-ha department… A construction worker whistled at me today!  That’s never happened to me before!  I’m not saying I want it to keep happening, but it was very funny and unexpected!  I always thought if that ever happened, I’d have a witty response ready. But no, I think I just looked confused and then cautiously continued walking to retrieve my son from his day-camp.

5. And also unexpected, people have asked me out on dates!  Whaaaat?  The last time I was asked out on a date, I was still a teenager.  I forgot that was a thing that people did!  It was very surprising, however not unwelcome in the least.  Having said that, please don’t ask for the pleasure of my company if you’re a misogynistic racist douchebag because… well….I’m just not into that!

R2 says

6 May

It’s been awhile since I’ve t some of the weird and funny things my kid says!  

R2 says: Winter 2016 edition

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Here mom, this is for you. It’s a postcard from GOD!!
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I accidentally broke my unbreakable toilet paper!

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I can’t remember if Stephen Harper is mom’s friend or dad’s friend…

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I really don’t want to eat poop. Or pee.

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I just have an ordinary bum.

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Mommy, Megan said she wants me to be her boyfriend.

What do you think of that?

I think it’s a good idea!

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Mommy, thank you for buying me these cylinders of jello!

Caught

15 Mar

You know when you’re out and about, looking hot and completely gorgeous and put together?  

Hey, it happens sometimes!  

 If I was to be out on the town looking like the above photo, I guarantee I wouldn’t see a single solitary person I knew, either from the present or my past.

But if you go out after a bad sleep, a busy first day of March break with three kids home, and you’re not showered, not wearing makeup, and you just spent too much money on groceries, it’s pretty much a sure thing that you’ll run into someone you know….probably while you’re standing confused and exhausted in the line up at a fast food joint!

Or it won’t be someone you know and you’ll hear, “Are you Leah?  I read your blog!”

I wonder if this is how celebrities feel when they’re recognized at Wendy’s getting fast food!!  

I made Jason take this picture of me after I ran into a blog reader…hi Laura H!!!

(You can visit her photography page here)

One of those mornings

11 Feb

If you’re having one of those days, read this and I guarantee you’ll feel better.  

Or at the very least you’ll have a little chuckle.

When it was time for the kids to get ready for the school bus this morning, for once R2 was ready first.  Usually he’s the slow one that still needs to brush his teeth when R1 is ready to walk out the door.

R2 walked out the door and Jason was fiddling with the strap on R1’s snowpants strap.  One strap had gotten all twisted around and Jason was determined to make it right.  

I kept biting my tongue.  I wanted to say, “I don’t think it matters” or, “you’re running out of time” or, “the bus will be here soon,” but I thought if I said anything it would only exasperate my already irritated husband.  

I suppose I should have just grabbed R1’s coat and told Jason I would finish getting him ready, but I was kind of frozen in place.  I kept thinking that Jason would realize he was wasting time on the strap and just forget it. 

But it wasn’t until we heard R2 scream from outside that we all sort of snapped back to reality.  We could hear the bus coming so I told Jason to open the door so the bus driver could see that we were there and would be right out.  Jason said she would see R2 waiting and know she had to wait for R1.  

Except when I opened the door, it was clear that R2’s scream wasn’t actually because the bus was coming (which it was), it was because he was stuck in snow up to his chest.  No matter how many times we tell him not to get covered in snow before school starts, he can’t help it.  The first place he goes is the snow pile.  This morning he toppled off the pile and was crying for help from his poor pajama clad dad.

R1 somehow made it out the door as the bus pulled up, though he seemed to be moving in slow motion, and Jason was stomping around the entrance way, picking up mitts and boots and tripping over his feet and cursing a blue streak.  At this point I couldn’t have helped even if I wanted to.  Boots and mitts were flying all over the place.  

Jason somehow got his boots on and stepped into the deep front yard snow, then he jumped back out, his boots now full of snow, ripped the boots off, then jumped back into the snow towards R2.  He stomped through the yard, picked him up, carried him back to the steps, then out the gate and down the driveway toward the waiting bus.  I was watching it all from the front door, kind of in a detached sense of disbelief.

The bus drove off, Jason gathered up his discarded boots, stormed into the house, yelled something unintelligible, and jumped into (I’m assuming) a very hot shower.  R3 and I spent a few minutes staring at each other, then I giggled for awhile, and thankfully Jason was calmed down by the time he got out of the shower.

Jason said I could tell this story so long as I pointed out that I sat by and watched the whole scene play out but refused to help.  It’s true, I didn’t help.  I maintain that I was still half asleep from a pretty bad night and I was shocked into inaction by my disbelief at Jason’s obsession with a snowpants strap.

And now we’ve both learned a valuable lesson.  

R1 should have learned that he needs to say, “Don’t worry daddy, it’s just a dumb strap!” and R2 should have learned to stay out of the snow, but both of them have probably already forgotten this morning’s drama.  So the lessons fall to us.  

Jason has learned that if something takes longer than 30 seconds so close to bus time, it’s not worth it.  And I’ve learned that Jason isn’t going to ask for help when he’s frustrated so I should just tell him I’m taking over.

I’ve also learned that the image of my husband charging through the deep snow in his socks and pajamas is hilarious and it will undoubtedly be hilarious for a long, long time.

Before he left for work this morning, Jason said, “I bet you were standing at the door taking pictures of me for your blog, eh?”  

If only, Jason, if only.