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In a Year

15 Jun

Some people have told me not to put so much stock or value in the dates.  After all, they’re just numbers and why should I let these numbers have control over me?

Well…  I’m not sure what to say to that except…  Numbers and dates are important to me.  They don’t control my life but I’ve always enjoyed the passing of time marked by numbers and I’ve always enjoyed assigning significance to certain days.  

Such as today.

June 15th, 2017.  Mine and my husband’s 14th anniversary of being together.

Except not.

It would have been, but it’s also the one year anniversary of the end of our marriage.

It’s hard not to be sad on this day.  Last year I was so happy.  Thirteen years together and ten years married.  

We celebrated our anniversary with dinner and a movie.  

I was confident that the troubles in our marriage were secondary compared to our foundation of love.  I was still in love and really looking forward to making plans for the future.  We had been through so much together and we could undoubtedly get through a lot more.  

And now it’s been a year since my heart was broken.

A year isn’t enough time to get over some things.

Granted, I’m not in love with my ex-husband anymore.  That died pretty quick after the final death knell rang.

I’m also extremely happy with my current domestic situation: beautiful house, my three sons, and a man that loves me and appreciates  me and wants me.

If you know who you are, and you love yourself (check and check), a year is enough time to move on with acceptance and an open heart.  But no, it’s not enough time to let go of the hurt and anger.  Maybe next year.

So what have I learned in this past year?

Well, I’m still awesome.  Obvious understatement, right?  But I’ve been pretty surprised with how many people have told me how brightly my candle is burning this year.  Apparently I was hiding under a bushel without an identify of my own?  I don’t know if I agree with that assessment, but dozens of people have told me it’s like I just opened up and radiated happiness and positivity after my divorce.  Wow!  I’m both encouraged and surprised!

What else….

Maybe don’t get married at age 22. 

Do counselling before marriage to see if you’re both on the same page.  One of you might be confident whereas the other might be unsure.

Communicate with your spouse about everything.  As I’ve said before, I used to be cocky.  I considered my marriage to be superior to others.  After all, we talked about everything and everything.  We talked all the time.  Or I thought we did.

Never say never.  Up until last year I said I’d never get divorced.  I wasn’t lying to myself; I believed it with every ounce of my soul.  I’ll never say never again.  Anything can happen.

Some friends will desert you in times of life transition.  It happens.  Try not to be consumed by that and focus instead on the people who are still there.  Oh there were some amazing shows of support for me last summer, from some wonderful people.

Because some new friends will find you during transition as well, and they will become the best friends you’ve ever had.  Like brothers and sisters really.  Despite losing a great love, this past year has been more full of love than I thought would be possible.

That’s enough rambling for now.  It’s time to click off and get out of the city.  

I’m thrilled to be taking a special long weekend getaway with my amazing boyfriend.  New memories will be made on this strange weekend full of anniversaries and memories.

It’s Time to Move On

By Tom Petty

It’s time to move on, time to get going

What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing

But under my feet, baby, grass is growing

It’s time to move on, it’s time to get going

*

Broken skyline, movin’ through the airport

She’s an honest defector

Conscientious objector

Now her own protector

*

Broken skyline, which way to love land
Which way to something better

Which way to forgiveness

Which way do I go

*

Sometime later, getting the words wrong

Wasting the meaning and losing the rhyme

Nauseous adrenalin

Like breakin’ up a dogfight

Like a deer in the headlights

Frozen in real time

I’m losing my mind

*

It’s time to move on, time to get going

What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing

But under my feet, baby, grass is growing

It’s time to move on, it’s time to get going

****

Been working non-stop on my side project (which is more like the main project now): People of Port Arthur by Eating Dirt.

Been working equally hard on my new art endeavour: Pop Art Prints by Eating Dirt.

There she is, one year post divorce. Self portrait.




Our Children

20 May

Over the past few years, we’ve watched open-mouthed as young black men have been gunned down in the United States.  

One was an unarmed father of five, selling cigarettes.  One was trying to walk home from the store.  One was a 12 year old boy in a park. There are so many others.  It was heartbreaking to hear about again and again.  Canada, as a country, grieved with the parents.  

We grieved from afar but also patted ourselves on the back because that kind of awfulness just doesn’t happen in Canada.  

After all, our gun laws are stricter.  

After all, we’re just so darn nice here.  

After all, we embrace multiculturalism and diversity.

We say sorry if we bump into each other; we tell each other to have a nice day, eh!

But truthfully, we are no better.  Not really.  We proudly proclaim Canada as the epitome of human rights, while ignoring the very people who were here first.  

2017 marks Canada’s 150th birthday.  150 years as an official country.  To many that’s a major cause for celebration.  For others it’s a stark reminder of broken promises, residential schools, missing and murdered indigenous women, reserves with never ending boil-water advisories, and dead children.

The children.  Oh my heart just breaks thinking about what their parents and family members have gone through.  Are going through. 

The past decade in Thunder Bay has seen nine teens pulled from the same river.

These are their names: 

JETHRO ANDERSON

CURRAN STRANG

PAUL PANACHEESE

ROBYN HARPER

REGGIE BUSHIE

KYLE MORRISOW 

JORDAN WABASSE 

TAMMY KEEASH

JOSIAH BEGG

These names are important.  

These young people need to be remembered.

Nine young indigenous teens, ranging from 14 years to 18 years old.  All of them were in Thunder Bay for schooling (or appointments) and far from home.  They were away from their families.  They ended up in the river.

Why?  Why did these young people end up in the river?  Were they pushed?  Were they drinking?  Were they alone?  Did someone push them?  Was it accidental?  Suicide?  Murder?

I have no answers and no solutions.

What I can do, however, starts at home.  I have three white (perhaps) heterosexual sons.  

At this point in their lives, they barely understand the concepts of racism and bigotry.  We talk about it in age-appropriate ways and they have a basic understanding that some people are treated badly because of their skin colour or where they were born, what they believe, etc.  They think it’s unfair. 

Like any parent, I worry about my children.  One thing I don’t often think about though, is whether or not my sons will be shot by police officers.  Or whether or not they’ll end up in a river.  

I mean, it could happen, but it’s statistically improbable.  I just don’t spend time worrying that my sons will get shot by police officers or attacked because of their skin colour.  Nobody is going to call my sons derogatory names becsuse of their skin colour.

This is my privilege.  

I recognize it; I own it.

I don’t know what the future holds.  But today I’m telling my almost nine year old about the young boy who was pulled from the river, like the many before him.  

I’m talking to him about safety and personal responsibility.  Soon I’ll tell him that if he’s in a scary situation, he can ALWAYS call me or his dad or his Gramma. 

I don’t know what happened to Josiah and the others, but I do think about the what-ifs.  Was he alone? Was he with a friend?  Did he have a cell phone?  Was he unable to call anyone for help?  Did he call and nobody came?  Was he scared?  Did he know he was about to die?  Was he even aware of what was happening?  

That poor child.  His poor mother.  

It’s so easy to look at this situation and dismiss it outright because it happened to someone else.  But that someone else is still a person.  He’s a son and brother.  He had hopes and dreams.  He had friends.  

Josiah was Sunshine Winter’s child but really, he was our child.  A child of Canada, of Turtle Island.  All these children are our children.  This country is hurting and has been for centuries.  

We can’t change the past, but we can work towards a better future.

The children are the future, we can’t let them down.

Let’s do this.

***

Resources if you’re interested in an overview of the current situation:

Fifth Estate Segment discussing police activity in response to the deaths of these teens.

Article about the most recent deaths causing concern about police practices. 

An article about the inquest launched into the deaths over the last ten years.

Super Girls

3 May

If you follow me on various social media platforms, you’ll have seen the bombardment of photos from my November 2016 Super Girls photo shoot.

In the same way that I wrote about my Dress Burning photos and my Tattoo photos, I’d like to now talk about Super Girls.

The concept began as I was attempting to put together some sort of Catwoman costume for Halloween.  

My friend Shelley had a Wonder Woman costume.  We didn’t have a set plan for Halloween festivities but I thought it would be fun if we could get a picture of us together, in our costumes!  

It didn’t end up happening because of scheduling conflicts, but I thought we could still get together and put our costumes on!

The original idea of a simple picture began growing and transforming into an entire afternoon of makeup, costumes, and photography.  At first I thought it would just be Shelley and I but then it became “and Scotia” and then finally, “and Diane.”  Naturally I asked Scotia to do makeup and hair and naturally I wanted Scott as the photographer.

This launched the third instalment of my journey to healing: Healing from Heartbreak through personal exploration and conceptual photography projects.  

In other words, some of my friends and I were going to put on sassy costumes, pretend to fight, and have someone take pictures.

A fun way to spend an afternoon?  

Of course!

The cast of characters?  

Let’s meet them.

Scott.  The Photographer.  From Scott Hobbs Photography.  Number 46 on People of Port Arthur.


*

Scotia.  The Makeup Artist and Hair Stylist of Sweet Cherry Spa.  Number 26 on People of Port Arthur.  Also known as BANE!


*

Diane. Professor. Cosplay enthusiast. She did her own makeup and hair here.  Number 72 on People of Port Arthur.  Also known as the Brunette Super Girl.


*

Shelley.  Public health nurse.  Number 59 on People of Port Arthur.  Also known as the blond Wonder Woman!


*

And of course, me!  Catwoman.  The blogger!



It’s amazing what a bit of makeup and hairspray can do!

The tireless photographer and his trouble-making subjects:

The basic story here is that Catwoman and her two friends,  Supergirl and Wonder Woman, were on a business meeting in downtown Port Arthur.  All of a sudden, Bane appeared and her objective was to take down the trio of heros (we’re working with the premise here that Catwoman flip-flops from good to bad and in this particular situation, she’s “good”).  

Of course there was some fighting and a few tense moments.  But in the end, good triumphed over bad.  









What a happy ending!  Supergirl rescued us!

A few one-offs:






There is no deep and mysterious meanings to the subject matter of this particular photo shoot.  

I think it’s all rather self-explanatory.

1. It’s important to have fun; you don’t always have to take yourself seriously.

2. It’s important to surround yourselves with friends.

3. Every woman (every person) is a super hero on the inside.  We are strong and resilient.

4. When the going gets tough, be your own super hero.

5. When the going gets tough, surround yourself with other super heros.

I’ve come so far on this journey of healing.  It’s been just over a year now.

Journeying through grief takes on so many forms when mourning the loss of a marriage.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still mad about it.  I am.  I likely will continue to feel anger for quite some time.  

But I’m stronger than hatred and stronger than despair.  I have so much love and laughter in my life. 

My friends are my super heros.  These friends, and so many more.


*serious heart hands*

*

Keep your eye on this space because this isn’t the end of the photo-shoot fun.  Not by a long shot!

Tattoo & Transform

18 Jan

After my marriage ended, I wanted to do something to commemorate my feelings and to signify the start of a new chapter.

Enter, the torched wedding dress.

I wrote about that experience here, but I’m going to show a few pictures again anyway because I love them.





Scott Hobbs of Scott Hobbs Photography was the man behind the camera for this particular event (makeup and hair by Scotia of Sweet Cherry Spa) and I decided I wanted him behind the camera for future projects.  

He was happy to oblige with his expertise and I decided my next series of photos would document the beautiful and transformative process of tattooing.

This was a casual photo shoot that felt just like friends hanging out and laughing.  One of those friends just happened to have a big camera!

Scott is a professional


My hope was that the camera would be able to get up really close and personal as the needle pushed ink into the skin.  

I hoped there would be a mess of ink and blood that could represent how life can sometimes be really messy and definitely painful.  

But what happens after all that pain?  

Wipe away the mess and what’s left is a beautiful piece of art.

After the mess and heartbreak of last spring began to fade away (as time passed), I felt reborn.  

I never lost who I was, but being thrust into a new kind of life, shook me. 

It was a summer of reconnecting with old friends and connecting with new friends.  My people rallied around me and new people built me up and fortified me.  My heart is so full and happy and at peace.

That’s not to say it’s easy and stress-free.  But the process of becoming more ME and more fabulous than ever before is a good one.  I’m not stagnating; something is always happening.

The pictures didn’t go exactly as I planned because I didn’t bleed.  It wasn’t a messy experience at all.  

But we are adaptable and I was rewarded with some lovely photographs.






Thank you Scott for the lovely photos and for the gift of your time.

Thank you Vanessa (of Red River Trade Company) for the beautiful art that is now a part of me.

My collection of body art will continue to grow and I will too.

Best of 2016

2 Jan

A few days after Christmas, the annual Walleye reader survey of the brightest and best in Thunder Bay was released.


I, like most people, am very aware that the people, businesses, and artists mentioned in this yearly issue are not necessarily the best.  

It all comes down to who nominated who and who voted.

Some people hate this magazine and especially this issue.  

You can’t please ALL the people ALL the time.

Seeing your name (or the name of your blog) in print, is a special feeling.

I don’t think I’m better than anyone else, but I do think I’m pretty awesome.  

I’m continually striving to be the best version of myself that I can; I’m continually working to be a better me.


If it’s shallow and meaningless to some, I’m okay with that.  This makes me feel happy.  

I know some of my friends voted for me, just like I voted for them.  And that’s ok.  It still means something to me and it was a lovely way to finish up the year.

Included in the issue was a nice little write up by Kirsti Salmi.



I’m excited to keep writing and telling stories in 2017.  

If you’ve stuck around this long, please continue to do so!  

More reader giveaways, more spotlights on colourful locals, more of my side projects, and more realness.

Thank you to everybody.

Cleansing by Fire

18 Nov

It’s snowing right now.  

The first snow of the year.  

A lot of people detest the arrival of winter precipitation but there is something innately beautiful about a fresh and pure blanket covering up the dirty streets and sidewalks.  

That first snow covers a multitude of sins.

Having said that, snow doesn’t have permanence.  It will eventually melt and everything underneath will once again be on display.

Fire though.  

Fire is permanent.

I was watching the snow cover the streets and thought it might be an appropriate time to share my experience with the permanence of fire.

A cleansing of fire, with fire, and through fire.

When I realized, without a doubt, that my marriage was over, my immediate reaction was, “I need to drop this last name.  I’m not that person anymore.  That part of my life is over.  I need a new name and I need do something drastic to commemorate my new identity: my reinvention, if you will.”

I thought, I’m going to burn something; I’m going to destroy something!  Natural conclusion to this line of thinking: I’m going to burn my wedding dress!

In all honesty, many people weren’t thrilled with this idea.  It was thought to be too extreme and in poor taste.  The puzzled reactions furthered my resolve to do something loud and destructive.

I approached my friend Scott, of Scott Hobbs Photography, with my vision and we set to work.  We recruited our makeup artist friend Scotia, of Sweet Cherry Spa.  We drove into the bush one Saturday afternoon and didn’t come out until things were done properly.

Makeup and hair by Scotia


***

Photography by Scott


***

Behind the scenes:


***

The Journey:










*

Oh, and we had guns.  

Because, why not?


Mission accomplished.

I am Kali, the dark one: the goddess of destruction.  I come in vengeance and fire; I destroy.  I am carnage embodied.

I am Kali, the beautiful one: the goddess of renewal and rebirth.  From the ashes of my mayhem comes something new and wonderful.

Thank you Scott and Scotia for helping me on this step of my healing and transitioning.

I was broken.  

I’m whole again.

So much love and light to you, my dear friends.

Life and Love

5 Nov

As I was walking up my street this morning, on the way home from a hair appointment, my paint chipped front porch came into view and it made me so happy.

The sun was shining on the scruffy blue paint and the pumpkins from Halloween are still in the front window.  I was just struck by the beauty that is my life right now.  

I count my blessings every day, but sometimes, I just have to stop and marvel at how good life can be and how happy I am; how much I just love everything.

Almost 8 months ago, I was at the lowest I’ve ever been.  I didn’t think it was possible to feel any worse.  Then I did feel worse.  In June.  I could easily have spiralled and unraveled.  

I laid in bed for two days; I cried for five days.  Then I was done.  Things happened in my life that I didn’t choose and that I couldn’t control. But I can choose how I respond.  I wake up every day and choose to love myself and choose to be content.  

Am I always happy?  Of course not!  Life is hard!  But I choose to put forth positivity and love.  I had to believe things would get better.  And they really did get better. 

Yesterday morning I was with someone who, surprisingly, is making me giddy with happiness.  

Then last night, I was at the Take Back the Night rally with one of my dearest friends; together we listened to powerful stories from survivors, we lit candles, we smudged with the four sacred medicines and offered up prayers to the Creator.  We walked dark streets as a group of one hundred, we cheered and chanted.  I met people I follow on Instagram.  I hugged lots of amazing people!  

My friend and I went out to eat and drink with new friends; we invited others to share our table.  We laughed and talked and hugged some more.  It was beautiful.

Then we walked back to my house and bid one another farewell and I went inside for 8 hours of solid uninterrupted sleep.  I ran to my hair appointment and had a wonderful time talking to stylists I’ve been seeing for the past 15 years.  

Tonight I’m going to spend time with some amazing friends, one a friend since birth, two who are much newer.

Life is funny.  

I really wondered and worried if I’d be sad for a long time.  

But no.  No way.  

I’ve got my parents and my kids.  I have my kids’ wonderfully supportive father. I have so many amazing friends that I just love so much.  My openness and willingness to love (both presently and in past years) has brought amazing into my life.  

I’m so happy it’s making me sick.

Will things get difficult again?  Yes.  Are there hard times ahead?  Of course!  Will I keep choosing happiness?  Hell yes I will.

Choose life.  

Choose love.  

Choose contentment!