Miserable

13 Nov

Trigger Warning: This post contains complaints about pregnancy. If this is something you do not wish to read (because you struggle with infertility or have suffered loss) please avoid. Any post that discusses the negative aspects of pregnancy will have this warning.

There is an unspoken rule in polite society that makes it taboo to complain about pregnancy. Or about any aspect of motherhood for that matter. I consider myself to be a positive person but I don’t sugar-coat reality. I am now, and have always been, an open book. Some people hate this about me and I have to accept that.

I am very aware that I should be happy that I’m able to get pregnant and carry a child to term. What right do I have to complain when there are hundreds of women (thousands? millions?) who would give anything to be in my place?

I agree with that and I am happy. Deep down, I’m happy…

But, like I said, I don’t believe in sugar-coating.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew several moms who were due around the same time. It seemed I was the only one who suffered morning sickness and other issues. Other mothers I was talking to had minor complaints like, “well I felt a little sick that one day…”

I was extremely jealous and I felt very alone. I knew there had to be something seriously wrong with me for not enjoying pregnancy and radiating happiness.

I felt off and wrong and guilty until I finally heard from other mothers (after my second child was born) who also experienced difficult pregnancies. I immediately felt more normal and like someone finally understood.

So let’s get this out there:

I do not enjoy pregnancy. It saps the joy from my life and I find it very hard to focus on the positive. Every day is a struggle and I have very depressing and dark thoughts.

I’m depressed now because I this is a time I should be enjoying my children. Instead I want them to leave me alone so I can suffer in silence. I have no motivation to get up and move and get things done. I feel reluctant to exercise basic hygiene because showering makes me sick. I can’t enjoy simple pleasures like a cup of tea because warm beverages make me sick. I don’t want to cook or clean or even talk to anybody. People tell me to cheer up and just get up and do things and it makes me feel worse. And guilty. Each day is a count down until bedtime, so I can shut my eyes for a few hours and forget about how awful I feel.

I pray continually to feel better so I can enjoy my children and enjoy this last pregnancy.

My husband is an over-worked and over-tired saint. I will never be able to express how grateful I am for the way he steps up and fills all the voids. He deserves so much better.

However, I know I’m lucky, lucky to be able to conceive and lucky to be able to carry a child to term. I can understand and sympathize that my complaints would be like a knife in an open wound to a woman who is desperate to get pregnant but can’t.

Having said that, this is my personal blog and I will not censor myself. I started writing in order to keep a record of my life and I will tell the truth. Sometimes the truth is ugly.

If you are a regular reader and do not want to read my pregnancy complaints, heed the trigger warnings prior to any post that talks about pregnancy in a negative light.

13 Responses to “Miserable”

  1. Lisa November 14, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling miserable! I wish in these situations I could offer some sage advice or something, but I’ve only ever heard other people’s experiences and from that I can say you are definitely not alone! Please let me know if there’s anything I can do (take you out for a treat that you are craving, take you for a drive so you can just be out of the house for a few moments, come wash you dishes, etc), I am more than happy to help! πŸ™‚ xoxo

    • L.W. November 14, 2014 at 1:37 pm #

      Lisa, you’re awesome

  2. annie November 14, 2014 at 9:48 am #

    I’m so sorry it is so rough. Know that regardless of how you are feeling right now, you are a great mom (at least from what I read on your blog πŸ˜‰ Hormones are a crazy thing that can make a person feel so very different and that is hard.
    I am typically a person who takes very little for medicine, only when I’ve tried all other options. With my last two pregnancies I resorted to an anti-nausea medicine called Zofran (ondansetron) and I did feel better (not great, but made it so I was not so miserable).
    One thing I would tell myself to help with the guilt – even on my worst days, I’m still a great mom because I truly love my kids. I believe you can say the same about yourself.
    Thinking of you!

    • L.W. November 14, 2014 at 12:11 pm #

      Thanks for the kind words. I’m totally going to ask my doctor about Zofran. And oh yes…these hormones. It’s amazing what our bodies can handle.
      And yes, I love my kids and I’m a good mom. Even though we have watched an entire season of doc mcstuffins in the past two days.

  3. Chrissie November 13, 2014 at 1:40 pm #

    You are most definitely not alone as I too threw up for 8.5 month out of every nine of my 2 full pregnancies !( as well as the 4 months and 5 months of the pregnancies that ended with miscarriages) People who have not ever been through that will never be able to understand how hard it is to be happy and productive during that loooong 9 months (plus a few weeks). And it is easy to feel bad and alone especially when people hand u their (usually unsolicited )advice when they have not been through it! My hubby stepped up to the plate just as well as jason seems to and put up with my moaning and whining and everything else very admirably as well and I am so grateful although the guilt that I sometimes felt when he had to could make me cry. I envy those women who have great pregnancies who glow and have great hair and nail, etcetera because I was not one of this people! I got acne, bloated, achey, naseous, vomited copious amounts daily had excess hair loss and just plain sucked as a human being on most days. Don’t get me wrong either- I was always thrilled and happy to have a life growing inside of me and feel awful for the people who cannot but it is impossible to feel so awful all the time and still be happy and patient and upbeat! Having someone to complain to who does not just give empty platitudes and say there there is the only thing that helped so please feel free to complain and cry and whine (and even vomit !) as much as u need to on this blog or to me in person or on phone or Facebook messenger! Stay strong when u can and run away and hide under the covers and cry when u can’t. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!

    • L.W. November 13, 2014 at 8:14 pm #

      Chrissie, I can always count on you for long stories and understanding. I had forgotten that you felt so sick during pregnancy!

      • Chrissie November 13, 2014 at 8:54 pm #

        Yes I have noticed that I’m the only person who writes a story more than a comment! I never mean for them to become so long but there always seems to be more to say or something that I feel should be clarified. Anyone who doesn’t want to read a story should just skip any under my name from now on. Consider that my disclaimer! Lmao!

      • L.W. November 13, 2014 at 9:19 pm #

        I guess we all need disclaimers!

  4. journeyformybaby November 13, 2014 at 1:25 pm #

    I hope you feel better soon. I am one of those women who suffered from infertility and would have given practically anything to have a baby. I have a little boy now thanks to God and IVF and I’m pregnant with another little surprise gift of God. That being said, sometimes pregnancy is really super hard and as much as I love bringing life into this world and as much as I treasure being pregnant because I fought so long and hard for it, some days are super tough!! I had bad morning sickness with this baby and yes he’s worth it but it was still hard. You shouldn’t have to feel bad that you don’t enjoy pregnancy. It’s a lot of work!! πŸ™‚

    • L.W. November 13, 2014 at 8:13 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I’m happy to read about your little miracles! I appreciate your understanding, even though we are coming at this parenting journey from different sides (IVF, easy conception).

      • journeyformybaby November 13, 2014 at 9:47 pm #

        Absolutely!! πŸ™‚ I hope the rest of you pregnancy is healthy, happy and easy.

      • L.W. November 14, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

        Thanks! Yours too! I just read about your journey and your birth story and I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing your own story. I love the name Truett.

      • journeyformybaby November 14, 2014 at 12:18 pm #

        Aw thank you! πŸ™‚

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