Silver Linings

28 Aug

I accidentally published this yesterday before I edited it.  I apologize to the subscribers for the double email.  

Lately I’ve been feeling really depressed about being a single parent.  

I know my story isn’t unique and millions of single parents all over the world are able to carry on and lead successful and fulfilling lives. I have no doubt that my life will have some measure of success and fulfillment, but I guess being a bit angry and sad is just part of the process I need to go through in this transitional phase.

~
Being married didn’t define me and being divorced won’t define me either. I’m so much more than my personal relationships. I guess I’m just feeling cheated out of the life I “signed” up for when I signed the marriage certificate ten years ago.  

~
We made these kids together, then I was essentially tortured for 35-37 weeks, then painful labour and delivery, followed by weeks of feeling awful as my body recovered. But in the end it was all ok because I was so happy to do that for my husband: my partner in life and in parenting. I thought of it as an amazing gift I could give to him, a man who assured me he definitely wanted kids. He was and is a good father. And yet, if I saw this coming, would I have endured pregnancy three times? I don’t know. There’s no easy answer.

I’m coming to terms with losing my life partner but it’s actually harder to accept I’ll be losing the daily parenting partnership that I valued so much. Yes, we will still be parenting together but it won’t be the same. I’m exhausted and scared at the thought of handling bedtimes, overnights, and mornings alone.  

You’re reading this and thinking, is she still whining about her failed marriage? The answer to that is a resounding YES!  

Writing all these thoughts down really helps me make sense of this mess and helps me feel calmer and contented.  

But it’s not a good idea to whine all the time! So I’m going to focus on some good things right now, some silver linings if you will!

Silver Linings:

~~~

I love my house!  I love having a sidewalk in front of my house; I love having a front porch and back deck; I love not sleeping in the basement; I love that all three of my boys have their own bedroom; I love the spaciousness and the storage space in the basement; I love how big the bathroom is!

***

I love my neighbourhood!
 I love being a short walk away from the downtown area; I love being close to two grocery stores, the bank, the drug store/pharmacy, and dozens of stores and restaurants!

***

I love my kids!
 They are super annoying sometimes but they are also loving and quirky and adorable.
***

I love my supportive friends and family!  
The number of amazing people in my life is one of the biggest blessings 

***

I love not being in debt!
 Not owing money is a huge feeling of relief!

***

I love the feeling of knowing that good things are waiting for me!  
Yes!  Even though I feel scared and angry, I know those feelings will ease and good things are coming!

***

I love Jason. That one doesn’t get an exclamation point.  It’s a very good thing that we aren’t seething with hatred and acrimony towards each other.  we get along and we will be friends; we will be together as a family as our children celebrate milestones both big and small.

***

I love myself! As I approached age 30 and moved beyond it, Infound myself growing more and more confident. My confidence was shredded four months ago, but it wasn’t destroyed. I can feel my heart and soul knitting back together. And despite what happened, I never lost myself. I took a slight detour, but I’m still here. I know who I am and I know what I want and it’s a wonderful feeling to be so secure in your identity. And, at the risk of sounding completely self involved and narcissistic, I’m going to keep getting better!

***

What are some good things in your life right now?!

R2 says

19 Aug

Some of the funny and weird things RJ has said: summer 2016

You know what’s looks like Rebel’s head?  
What?
The other side of his head!

***

A housefly is just a green and black annoying dot.  With wings.

***

One day can we catch ants and throw them in the lake?   No wait…let’s catch them, look at them, and put them back in nature.

***

Every day is April Fool’s day in Tokyo!

***

My favourite bands are called Truck Poop and Diamond Fart. They live on Paddington St.

***

I need a jeep with unlikely hubcaps!

Why?

18 Aug

It’s been exactly two months since my marriage ended; four months since I was told the marriage was in trouble.

I’m functional, I’m upbeat, I’ve chosen to be content; overall, I’m in a good place both mentally and physically.

But the mind? 

It wanders.

The question of ‘why’ is never really far from my consciousness.  

I’m not wallowing in despair and I’m not being kept awake at night by an overactive mind, yet I’m constantly just asking myself why.

Why was I unable to see the hints and/or warning signs of a troubled relationship?  Am I really that ignorant?

Why was I so confidant that our love could withstand anything?  

Why did I think things were solid when they weren’t?

Why was I able to look beyond his faults and love unconditionally, but that unconditional love wasn’t returned? 

Why did I believe we were perfect together?  

Why did I have to go through that awful third pregnancy only to have this as the outcome?  

Why was I only given two months to ‘work on things’ before everything was just done?

Why did I think he was so wonderful?  Why did I have him on a pedestal?

Why did this happen?

And many more…

In time I know I’ll get some answers.  But until then, hundreds of questions will be repeatedly cycling through my mind, coupled with periodic self doubt and self loathing.  

What a fun process.

I have to admit, rightly or wrongly, I feel like a victim.  

I feel like things have just been happening TO me, rather than me making things happen.  Life feels chaotic and unsettled and I don’t like feeling passive or like all this just happened and I was helpless to change it.

I’ve been taking steps to regain control; I’m trying to stop feeling victimized.  Small steps.  

For instance, putting a public announcement on social media was one small way of taking control.  I didn’t want my marriage to end but it did.  So in addition to the other reasons I discussed, it was MY decision when and how to tell people.

People were upset about that public announcement, but their reactions to MY news are ultimately none of my business.

Continuing to write in this space about my feelings and healing process is another way of taking control.

I threw myself a birthday party, I went to Alberta to see my brother, I just got another tattoo.  I have more interesting things planned for the near future: things to help me heal and feel less chaotic.  I’ll also be going back to therapy at the end of September so I can figure out how to forgive and how to feel thankful and accepting for every surprise that life throws at me.

I can ask why a million times but I also have to DO things.  I can’t just sit still and let life happen to me.

Travel Blogging: pictures

13 Aug

Cheers!

kitty cat selfie


We don’t want to go home!

Thirty Three

11 Aug

A week ago I turned 33 years old.  I haven’t decided yet if I’ll stop aging now…

I’m very thankful to Jason for helping make my birthday even better than it was last year.

Obviously I have some mixed feelings.  I never thought I’d be approaching my mid-thirties in the position of reinvention and transition due to an ending marriage.  

It was always my hope and expectation that I’d be forever celebrating my milestones with Jason, who has been the most important person in my life for over a decade.  

Jason is still important and he will always be around when I celebrate something special.  He just won’t be with me.  Sometimes, when I think about that, I feel happy.  Sometimes I feel very sad; sometimes I feel indifferent.

But Jason knows that birthdays are important to me and he helped make it special and then stayed out of the way while I had a big birthday party/housewarming party for myself. 

I’m thankful that we will always be family; we will always love each other.  

I’m thankful that I have these three special dudes in my life who made it easier to wake up older (and wiser) on August 4th: 

And cupcakes!  I’m thankful for cupcakes! 


Even though material possessions aren’t everything, I’m still thankful for birthday presents! 
And now I have a house that is big enough for large social gatherings and I’m pretty excited and thankful for that! 

And oh my beautiful ladies!  I’m so thankful for the love and support and friendship through so many stages and changes!Thank you Tara for taking pictures with a fancy camera!

And more presents! 

The generosity of my friends will continually blow me away!  

And a car!  I’m thankful for a new vehicle that will transport all the children with no space issues! 

And debt free!  The money for the house came in and all our debts were paid.  To start again at zero is liberating and thrilling.  

I may not have what I thought I’d have (at this time last year), but I’m very blessed and full of hope.  

My mind and my heart are open and ready.  Do your best, thirty-three, bring it on!

Travel Blogging: R3’s first trip to Alberta

10 Aug

I had a lovely birthday (birthday blog to follow) and now I’m in Alberta with my littlest R, visiting my brother.  

When the opportunity came up for a second trip in the span of one summer, I really wanted to jump on it and bring my youngest child to meet his uncle!

R3’s first plane ride!

Nice to see you again, baby brother!

long day of travel


I miss the older kids but I’m so glad I was able to make this work!

Jesse has to work during the day, but we are enjoying his company when he gets home in the afternoon.  R3 is quite taken with him and has been following him around the house.  As soon as he saw Jesse, he gave him a huge smile.  

R3 is nervous around (yet fascinated by) the cats, obsessed with the cat food and water dishes, loving the deck and the expansive yard.


It’s great to just sit around, eat junk, drink coolers, and shoot the shit with my little brother.  He’s one of my favourite people ever.


It may not be an exciting vacation, but this quiet solitude of life in tiny farming community is exactly what I needed.  


Very few responsibilities and nowhere to go.  It’s perfect.

The Birthday Winner!

4 Aug

Thank you to all the readers who commented on last week’s birthday giveaway!  Eating Dirt set a record with 37 entries!

This is good for me and the artists because it means more traffic and exposure!  It’s bad for the people who entered the contest because the more people who enter, the less of a chance you have to win.

So all you lovely people, you have a one in 37 chance of winning!  Let’s get to it!


“Let me fold those for you, mama, because it’s your birthday!” 

Awwwww!


And, pick!


It always seems kind of anticlimactic when we finally pick the name!

But congratulations to Stephanie W!  

Here is your prize! 

Thank you to the amazing Thunder Bay artists and artisans who contributed and made this such a fun giveaway!  

I wonder if I can top it next year!


Thank you boy Roland

Thank you Nancy (search Nancy Freeborn on Facebook to view her public jewelry album)

Thank you Kyle

Thank you Bry

Thank you Meagan

Thank you Katie

Thank you Tara

Thank you Kayeleigh

Thank you Amy 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 311 other followers