I accidentally published this yesterday before I edited it. I apologize to the subscribers for the double email.
Lately I’ve been feeling really depressed about being a single parent.
I know my story isn’t unique and millions of single parents all over the world are able to carry on and lead successful and fulfilling lives. I have no doubt that my life will have some measure of success and fulfillment, but I guess being a bit angry and sad is just part of the process I need to go through in this transitional phase.
Being married didn’t define me and being divorced won’t define me either. I’m so much more than my personal relationships. I guess I’m just feeling cheated out of the life I “signed” up for when I signed the marriage certificate ten years ago.
We made these kids together, then I was essentially tortured for 35-37 weeks, then painful labour and delivery, followed by weeks of feeling awful as my body recovered. But in the end it was all ok because I was so happy to do that for my husband: my partner in life and in parenting. I thought of it as an amazing gift I could give to him, a man who assured me he definitely wanted kids. He was and is a good father. And yet, if I saw this coming, would I have endured pregnancy three times? I don’t know. There’s no easy answer.
I’m coming to terms with losing my life partner but it’s actually harder to accept I’ll be losing the daily parenting partnership that I valued so much. Yes, we will still be parenting together but it won’t be the same. I’m exhausted and scared at the thought of handling bedtimes, overnights, and mornings alone.
You’re reading this and thinking, is she still whining about her failed marriage? The answer to that is a resounding YES!
Writing all these thoughts down really helps me make sense of this mess and helps me feel calmer and contented.
But it’s not a good idea to whine all the time! So I’m going to focus on some good things right now, some silver linings if you will!
I love my house! I love having a sidewalk in front of my house; I love having a front porch and back deck; I love not sleeping in the basement; I love that all three of my boys have their own bedroom; I love the spaciousness and the storage space in the basement; I love how big the bathroom is!
I love my neighbourhood! I love being a short walk away from the downtown area; I love being close to two grocery stores, the bank, the drug store/pharmacy, and dozens of stores and restaurants!
I love my kids! They are super annoying sometimes but they are also loving and quirky and adorable.
I love my supportive friends and family! The number of amazing people in my life is one of the biggest blessings
I love not being in debt! Not owing money is a huge feeling of relief!
I love the feeling of knowing that good things are waiting for me! Yes! Even though I feel scared and angry, I know those feelings will ease and good things are coming!
I love Jason. That one doesn’t get an exclamation point. It’s a very good thing that we aren’t seething with hatred and acrimony towards each other. we get along and we will be friends; we will be together as a family as our children celebrate milestones both big and small.
I love myself! As I approached age 30 and moved beyond it, Infound myself growing more and more confident. My confidence was shredded four months ago, but it wasn’t destroyed. I can feel my heart and soul knitting back together. And despite what happened, I never lost myself. I took a slight detour, but I’m still here. I know who I am and I know what I want and it’s a wonderful feeling to be so secure in your identity. And, at the risk of sounding completely self involved and narcissistic, I’m going to keep getting better!
What are some good things in your life right now?!