It’s been exactly two months since my marriage ended; four months since I was told the marriage was in trouble.
I’m functional, I’m upbeat, I’ve chosen to be content; overall, I’m in a good place both mentally and physically.
But the mind?
The question of ‘why’ is never really far from my consciousness.
I’m not wallowing in despair and I’m not being kept awake at night by an overactive mind, yet I’m constantly just asking myself why.
Why was I unable to see the hints and/or warning signs of a troubled relationship? Am I really that ignorant?
Why was I so confidant that our love could withstand anything?
Why did I think things were solid when they weren’t?
Why was I able to look beyond his faults and love unconditionally, but that unconditional love wasn’t returned?
Why did I believe we were perfect together?
Why did I have to go through that awful third pregnancy only to have this as the outcome?
Why was I only given two months to ‘work on things’ before everything was just done?
Why did I think he was so wonderful? Why did I have him on a pedestal?
Why did this happen?
And many more…
In time I know I’ll get some answers. But until then, hundreds of questions will be repeatedly cycling through my mind, coupled with periodic self doubt and self loathing.
What a fun process.
I have to admit, rightly or wrongly, I feel like a victim.
I feel like things have just been happening TO me, rather than me making things happen. Life feels chaotic and unsettled and I don’t like feeling passive or like all this just happened and I was helpless to change it.
I’ve been taking steps to regain control; I’m trying to stop feeling victimized. Small steps.
For instance, putting a public announcement on social media was one small way of taking control. I didn’t want my marriage to end but it did. So in addition to the other reasons I discussed, it was MY decision when and how to tell people.
People were upset about that public announcement, but their reactions to MY news are ultimately none of my business.
Continuing to write in this space about my feelings and healing process is another way of taking control.
I threw myself a birthday party, I went to Alberta to see my brother, I just got another tattoo. I have more interesting things planned for the near future: things to help me heal and feel less chaotic. I’ll also be going back to therapy at the end of September so I can figure out how to forgive and how to feel thankful and accepting for every surprise that life throws at me.
I can ask why a million times but I also have to DO things. I can’t just sit still and let life happen to me.